In the stillness after my morning practice, I am aware that in the days of the latest Great Noise in my head, I had been feeling emptiness and anxiety, even at the times when I would normally find calm and quiet. I remember trolling the Internet and the kitchen cabinets, my library and the TV for something I couldn’t name, much less find, something to fill the void and still the disquiet. I remember the energy of struggle I brought to those feelings, this pulling and pushing with my will, trying to force something unnamed that would change the emptiness and anxiety.
Now, in the aftermath, following a number of aligning choices, when I sit at my practice my thoughts no longer roar over me like a raging river. I can feel a stillness at my core, and the cracking open at my center, from which the awareness of my essence can flow.
In the Great Noise, I struggled, seeking. I realize now, it is not struggle that would bring me what I was yearning, but rather, a very gently shifting, an allowing, for my energy to coalesce organically at my core, for the alignment to occur naturally and fill the void powerfully.
It is the domineering energy of my self-important ego, my small self, that wants to make things happen and direct all operations. It actually impedes the natural flow of energy of my full Self, which only rarely imposes itself and more usually allows my choices to run their course.
Now I am choosing to keep my small self out of the way. Insidious small self attempts to take over here, and end with a declaration. With a small sidestep, I allow the flow from my center, and feel the fullness of my Self.