My mind remembers that I have felt that I am one with all. My mind remembers that I have felt that I am composed only of Love. But these feelings escape me today; I only notice tight muscles in my shoulders.
Today I am separate, today I pour out my energy building fortress walls and devise pointless plans of defense, even as a soft silver bell tinkles reminders that this is not what I wish to be, not what I have so gravely declared to myself and my Source.
And as I strain to understand that whispered silver song, I feel the deep, familiar longing. Something is missing; I am hungry for it, it is a hole in me.
How can this be? Have I not tended my home fire, blessed each day, felt rich in my time with my children, meditated diligently every morning, journaled in the evening?
I am still hungry.
I have been on Reiki retreat. Retreats feed me. How can I hunger? I have sat in silence each morning this week, asking whose thoughts I hear. This should feed me. No?
The silver song sings back that I need to listen to the sounds of Nature.
But I have been out virtually every day, committed to letting my children get sunshine and fresh air. Today, especially today, I took them to the forest, to build fairy houses and find treasures of wood and stone.
Be attentive to Nature. Playing with the children is not the same. Even in the most sacred of places. Not the same.
I remember now. My Heart was full of the children’s joy building fairy houses, full of joy for their connection to the secret place, to themselves. Still, I could not listen to the breeze and how it echoes in my heart. I could not watch the sun’s light filter through my aura. I could not feel the earth energy rising in my soles.
Today I could not feed my Heart as well as my Soul, in one fell swoop. So, tonight, I will step outside and look into the night sky. Tomorrow I will rise while the children sleep still, and walk through the damp grass and listen for the cardinal. I will feed my Soul.